Now me, I don't have any haters. Nope, everyone loves me all the time and I only attract goodness and love because that's all I send out.
And if you believe that, please buy this bridge called The Law Of Attraction that I want to sell you. It's in Finland. Only $2mil!
Haters are part of the deal. If you're getting flak, criticism, negativity, bitchiness, jealousy, or passive-aggressive shit, it doesn't mean you attracted it. It doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong. It just means that many humans are not awake, and this makes them scared. And scary.
People criticize Oprah, Michelle Obama, and Mother Theresa. My good friend spoke out recently against child porn...and got slammed with hate. I mean seriously; I don't care what your politics are, surely we can all get on board with that one.
Sometimes you'll get useful feedback you want to pay close attention to. And sometimes you'll get stupid bullshit that needs to be immediately showered down the drain. But how do you tell the difference?
1. Consider the source.
Do you respect this person? Do you want their career? Their marriage? Their financial situation? If you don't like what they've created, then don't listen to their advice. And even if they're lovely, do they know anything about this particular topic? This seems basic, but when we're triggered it's easy to forget it. I once had a conversation with a woman who told me that she feels like a prostitute every time she has sex with her husband because deep down she knows she's only with him because she's not sure she could provide for herself financially. Then she tried to talk to me about how I need to improve my financial picture by shifting into an "abundance mindset." I might love this woman, but I'm not going to take her money advice.
2. Check them for fear.
If you're reading this, there's a good chance that you're what I call an empath; you're sensitive to other people's moods, feelings, and opinions. You have thin skin, and you know what other people are thinking whether they speak it out loud or not. And if that person is feeling fear, you might be feeling it right along with them. Here's the simple fix: find your feet. I know, strange, right? But this puts you back into your own body instead of tapping into the other person's feelings. Keep returning to your own feet, your own body, your own reality. Mystical types call this "grounding," and it's weirdly helpful.
3. Check yourself for apology energy.
Apology energy is when we say something reasonable like "I'd like a raise please," but all our nonverbal communication-- our tone of voice, our posture, and our energy-- are communicating "I can't believe I'm asking for this! I'm asking for a ridiculous thing! Please don't be mad at me!" Guess which communicates more clearly? Yup. Your nonverbals. When you send something out into the world with apology energy, you're basically broadcasting "I'm doing a terrible appalling thing and I'm so sorry and you should be so mad and horrified!" The world will oblige you on this, so work with a trusted friend or a coach to practice shifting your voice, stance, and inflection so that you come across strong and clear. (Like an EFBA, aka epic fucking bad ass.)
4. Tune into your gut.
This is far and away the most important one. When you receive feedback, suggestions, criticism, or advice, check to see how you feel in your gut. Useful, helpful criticism will give you a sense of relief. (Really, even if it stings.) When my coach Betsy Rapoport tells me a section of my book needs to be reworked, I'm pissed as hell for about fifteen minutes, but then I feel an enormous sense of relief that I have a chance to make it better before I send it off to an agent. That's vastly different than being told "It's just not very good, but I can't really tell you what would make it better." That's just bullshit; it will make you feel stuck, sick, and foolish for even having tried. Useful criticism will give you a sense of momentum, of forward motion. You'll think, "Oh, that's why it's not working!" or "Oh, that's how I can do this better!"
We just scratched the surface here-- I have a lot to say on this topic! In fact I taught a whole 90-minute class on it a couple of years ago. It's free, and you can listen to it here.
And if none of that makes you feel better, I recommend you dance around to Shake It Off by Taylor Swift, take two cups of tea, and call me in the morning.
P.S. Want me to write on a specific topic or answer a question? Send it to email@example.com and it could become the seed for a future episode of rich juicy starry beauty!